DEAR POPE FRANCIS: KIM GOT AN INVITATION. WHY DIDN'T I?

#Kim Davis, #Pope Francis

In my dreams, and after Pope Francis left North America in September, 2015, I worried to my wife that I had been left out of the invitation list to the Papal Nuncio.

“Call and find out why,” she advised.

I picked up my Word Phone and called the Papal Nuncio on Mass. Ave.

“Why didn’t I get an invitation?”

“Invitation to what?” retorted the operator.

“To meet Pope Francis,” I said, stating the obvious.

Operator: “Who are you?”

“I’m a nobody, just like Kim. I’m an American with the name of Ree.”

“And you didn’t get an invitation, Mr. Ree?,” he said. “They did invite lots of nobodies. You should have got an invitation too. I’ll transfer you to the Answerer.” Long pause.

“I’m sorry,” the Answerer said, finally coming on line. “We scoured the headlines before His visit and the name Ree didn’t come to our attention. Pity. What a nice name! What qualifies you? Are you gay?”

Me: “No, I am mostly sad. So sad that I didn’t get an invitation.”

Answerer: “I mean ‘homosexual.’”

Me: “Not me, no. I’m green, though.”

Answerer: “Well, so what. A lot of people are green and straight. Well then, you do oppose the rights of homosexual people?”

“Gays turn right in front of me all the time out here where I live and I dare not prevent them. I don’t want an accident.”

Answerer: “That definitely does not qualify you for a visit. You must be persecuted for opposing the rights of gays.”

Me: “Oh, ha ha ha. I can arrange to start doing that right away.”

Answerer: “No, you still don’t get it, you idiot. The point is, you’re not newsworthy.”

Me: “Oh, is that what you mean? I’ll take care of that right away,” I said.

Answerer: “Okay, and when you get the news coverage, have your lawyer team get in touch with us. We’ll arrange an invitation for you to visit Him in the Vatican.”

Me: “Okay, thanks, I’ll cook something up. How about this. I’ll try to get my photo into the A.A.R.P. magazine after I get a facial.”

Answerer: “You’re retired? Why didn’t you say that earlier? You just don’t qualify. You don’t face religious persecution on the job, you don’t even have a job at how young, did you say? Only 76? You’re not gay. You let gays turn right. Your best bet is to see the Pope on resurrection day. Or call again when you have something to offer.” 

“Call Ended” flashes across the screen.

Okay. “I give up,” Glumly, I tell my wife in the final scene.  Now I’m awake.